Demeter's House

{January 13, 2012}   Resentment

I know it’s unwarranted. I’m aware of the illogic of feeling this way. But still . . .

I had a vibrant social life when I lived in my old city. I had a sister-soulmate just a couple of miles away, and I had a menagerie of friends from all walks of life, some I’d known since I was seven, some I’d met in graduate school. When the kids were with their dad, I was with my friends. Hitting happy hour at a family-owned Mexican restaurant. Sitting around a kitchen table drinking lots of wine. Going to plays. Eating giant slices of cheesecake at Something Sweet. Dancing our asses off at the cowboy bar. Drinking beers by the pool. I loved every second of the time I spent with my friends, and every time I get a chance to go see them, I do.

Nico didn’t have the same sort of social life. He didn’t go out, unless he was down visiting me and I dragged him along with me. His lack of friends was part of how he tried to justify having that whore Nicole hang out–she was one of his only friends.

I remember getting frustrated when I came to Metropolis to spend a week with him and he struggled through even a second without me. I went out for a walk . . . and my boyfriend who doesn’t even walk to the mailbox put on some tennis shoes and walked until he found me. I wanted to be part of his life instead of being his life; I couldn’t handle being someone’s entire existence again.

Move the clock hands forward, and here I am, living in Metropolis with Nico. I have a few friends here, which is cool, but most of my friends are two hours away in my old city. Add to that the boys’ father being a bit of a deadbeat when it comes to his time with them, and my social life has shriveled.  LOL, and just then I inadvertently gave Nico a social life of his own again.

I needed a lawyer for some custody issues. Nico called up an old buddy of his. Awhile back the two of them had had a practice together that was more frat house than workplace, that is, until the friend’s wife, a very serious lawyer, came in and ruined all their fun. So Nico left the firm.

While not fun, the wife is a kick-ass attorney who happens to specialize in domestic issues. She’s dedicated and can be a bitch when she needs to be, which makes her incredibly effective at what she does. She once got a child returned from Venezuela and back into the arms of the parent she was representing, for heaven’s sake. Totally the person I wanted on my side in a custody case.

So I got Nico and his old buddy back in touch with each other, and they’ve been going out for beers after work. I was so excited. Just what I always wanted–a social life for Nico!

Once the ball got rolling, he started getting back in touch with other friends. He goes out to get beers with his friend J (who he hasn’t hung out with since we started dating . . . and I think it’s because J and I flirted a hell of a lot before Nico and I started dating). He hangs out with his half-brother, too. Good, good; very good. Demi is happy.

Nico was sick all week. I was super-awesome at taking care of him, for which he thanked me profusely. Today he feels better, which is great. Just in time for date night. My ex takes the kids on Friday evening (they still come back to sleep, though), and Nico proclaimed that those precious child-free hours shall be date time.

At about 1:30 Nico texted me while I was at work. He was going out to get a drink with his friend D. from law school, and he’d left me lunch on the stove.

Despite the sweet gesture of lunch, Demi is not happy.

Yes, I know, I got what I wanted for him. He’s got a social life. Even if it is date night and he’s been with his buddy for five hours now and I don’t know when he’s coming back.

But it’s not really that. The thing is, I’m jealous. I want my own stuff to go do and people to hang out with. I don’t want to just hang out in the house with my kids all the time.

A few days ago I decided to go out and do just that. I arranged for babysitters and signed myself up for a yoga class that starts next week. Yay doing something I love! Yay meeting new people!

Nico asked me about the class with keen interest. And then he asked if he could take the class with me.

Of course, yes. I’ve been wanting him to get healthier. I’ve been wanting to find some other things for us to do together besides going to movies and eating out. Of course, yes.

But even as I said yes, I felt like I’d given up something. It was my thing, mine, and I was excited about having a thing. Because I want him to be part of my life instead of him being my life.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit; maybe I’ll go join a knitting circle. He’s sure to not want to join that ;)

kat says:

Been there! That’s EXACTLY how I felt when I moved from “Metropolis” to KC. It was a hard way to start a marriage. My DH had been living and working there for a year already, so he knew people. He had guys from work that he’d hang out with. He’d bring me along, but it wasn’t the same as having my OWN friends. I wanted an identity outside of my relationship. No, I needed. I think it’s a healthy need we all should have; defining ourselves beyond just being a wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.

It just took time. I got to know people eventually and formed my own social life; you will too!

demetershouse says:

I guess it does take time. I need to learn patience!

honey555 says:

It took me a long time to build up a social life when I moved to Metropolis, too, and it’s still not at all what it was in our old city. So – we should hang out more! I have an LA Fitness membership if you want a workout buddy (and it’s right across the street from Monkeypants if we wanted drinks after). If you want to hang out and watch really bad girlie TV (think The Bachelor, Desperate Housewives, Revenge, So You Think You Can Dance) then I’m your girl too. Also, I really hope you can come to my bridal shower! In fact, if you could shoot me your address then I can get it to the bridesmaid who’s planning it. Anytime you want to hang out without him then just tell him that your friend needed a girl’s night so he’s not invited. Happy to take the heat, esp. since that one time that he totally crashed our evening at Bisonwiches!

demetershouse says:

I’d love that! I’m learning to be more assertive with their dad–I used to be too stubborn (my tragic flaw) and have the attitude of “Fine. You don’t want to man up. Well, I don’t need your help and I can do this all on my own.” Now I’m more of “fuck that–their your kids; spend some time with them.” So hopefully we’ll have more time to hang out. We have similar TV tastes–yay!

I know what you mean about not wanting Jake around every minute. I changed my office hours this semester so that I’d be home the one day Nico is in the office. Now I’m off on the day he’s in town so I have a beautiful quiet day without him every week. I think our relationship is the better for it.

honey555 says:

I will also add that despite being much happier for Jake now that he works from home and is no longer miserable, I never knew how much I appreciated the time I got when he was in the Absolutely Terrible Job. Now he’s home – EVERY MINUTE. I am almost never alone anymore, and I miss it sometimes! Despite being happy that he is happy.

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